While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!). What to Do When the Fighting Starts?
1. Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.
2. If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.
3. When getting involved, separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until maybe 10 minutes, 1 hour or the next day when the emotions have died down.
4. Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.
5. Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves and that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them.
6. Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.
7. Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too. This teaches kids that they are safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will be met.
8. Have fun together as a family. Whether you're throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each other.
For older children and youth ...
*If squabble frequently over the same things (such as computer), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.) They toys and gadgets are privileges, they should show good behaviour to earn the privilege to use them.
*If fights between your school-age kids are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.
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